Secrets To My Success

1.   1.  Avoid the general public. Reasoning: the general public has been infiltrated by members of a para-hypothetical group. While some members of this group are easily identifiable by the vacant look in their glassy eyes, many more look like nothing so much as harmless bumblers. However, this group’s founding tenets are to annoy the rest of us, so it’s best to steer clear of any large gatherings where they might congregate.

2.   2.  Ignore unpopular opinions, by which I mean, if someone tells me I really should do this or that, and I don’t want to, I just ignore it. Now, if this or that consists of “You really should eat more cake,” I’m likely to agree, despite my ever expanding girth. Reasoning: There’s far too much advice being thrown around for our own goods.

3.  3.  Be nice. Reasoning: It’s just as easy to be nice as it is to be mean, so why not?

4.  4.   Wear comfortable shoes. Reasoning: It’s a lot easier to be nice when your feet don’t hurt. (See Secret #3)

5.  5.  Don’t listen to the little voices in your head that tell you things they ought not to. Reasoning: There’s no telling where those little voices are coming from. See Secret #1.

6.  6.  When plotting the overthrow of the universe, use good planning software. Reasoning: There’s a lot of details, and you’re bound to forget something if you don’t use good software. Hence my failure on plots 1 through 10. I’m still looking for the right software.

7.  7.  Dress warmly, unless the weather’s warm, in which case, dress coolly. There’s no reason for this, I just don’t want you catching cold.

8.  8.  Dance more. Reasoning: It’s good for you. Or revert back to Secret #2, if you don’t agree.

9.  9.  Carry bandaids. Reasoning: It’s a dangerous world out there, and you might hurt yourself. I’m still waiting for the invention of psychic band aids, for all those little internal wounds that crop up unexpectedly, but until then, we’ll have to make do with patching up the outside.

1010.  Buy yourself a gift card and use it when the urge strikes. Reasoning: Why not?

1111.  Laugh more. Reasoning: It’s better than laughing less. Unless your laugh might scare people, in which case you might want to tone it down a bit.

1212.  Continue with the plan, even when it seems as if the plan isn’t going anywhere. Reasoning: If you keep going through the sticky parts, eventually you’ll come out on the other side.

That’s all for today. These are just some of the basics, obviously. Later we’ll get into the harder stuff, such as when to use sunscreen (always) and how often to take a walk (whenever you’re wearing sunscreen). But for right now, I have to pay attention to number 12.